I am unmotivated.
There, I said it.
I’ve got about 7 drafts on the go for this blog, things that should have been written days and weeks ago. Several HUGE milestones that I should be telling everyone about–my first competition, my Level 1 Certification Course (I’m a coach now!), meeting some more of Canada’s CrossFit women in Angie Pye and Camille Leblanc-Bazinet, and a few notable PRs.
I interviewed Angie and Camille as well and put the Q&A interview onto paper but haven’t been able to put a decent story together for what could be a great insight into two top level competitors.
I could throw out a tonne of excuses but in the end, it doesn’t matter. I’m tired, busy, low on energy, and unmotivated. But why?
I do my damnedest to motivate everyone else around me and I am flattered every time someone texts, messages, emails, calls, or states that they’re at the gym because they feel accountable to me or that I’ve inspired them to do something. I am surrounded my some extremely motivational and uplifting people at both CrossFit 403 and Reebok CrossFit Ramsay. Through the wonders of social media I am able to follow and interact with the likes of Lisbeth Darsh, Angie Pye, Web & Lindsey Smith, Jason Sadler, Carl Paoli, Cherie Chan, Shana Alverson, Pat Sherwood, Tony Blauer and a good friend in “D” at Havyk Gear–all people who have said something or posted something that has struck a chord within me. Their words are not lost on me, and I read everything they write, but I still log-off feeling like I’m missing something. But what?
I have still been going to CrossFit 403, as much or more than usual, and I still bust my ass every time the clock starts, but I feel fried. Most days I feel stiff and weak when I arrive and it takes me a good 20-30 minutes to get motivated for whatever WOD it might be. Even at an open gym a couple weeks ago I actually dragged my ass there, did a warm-up, did some mobility, a couple low weight back squat sets, and then I left. I left! What the hell?! I seriously could not motivate myself to set up plyo boxes or a pull-ups station. That’s not like me in any way.
I need to get myself back on track somehow. My lack of energy and motivation has led to a regression in my diet—I’m not making “bad” choices, but I’m not doing myself any favors. I think this is what pisses me off the most. Not that I’ve been a steady 265lbs for 6 weeks now without wavering more than 2lbs either side of that, but that I’ve let myself slip while still offering congratulatory messages to those around me who are working to succeed at their goals. I’m become an expert at homeostasis again! Add to the fact that I’m supposed to be on a paleo eating challenge until sometime in December and I’ve all but resigned myself to living with not winning. Me, seemingly satisfied with not winning at something which I have every opportunity to win if I get my shit sorted out.
Ryan is making great strides and I’m proud of how far he’s come in such a short time. My mom has started CrossFit, my friends Nikki, Erin, Ryan V, have started and my sister might be trying it out tonight–my liberal sharing of the CrossFit kool-aid is starting to bear fruits and it means a lot to me.
Now, I have to take another sip myself and remember why I’m here. But why am I here?
Thirteen months ago, I didn’t know what CrossFit was. For me it was quite simply the pathway I needed to get on track for a career change that would mean the world to me but it has now become “me”. It isn’t just a workout anymore but maybe I need to remember that at it’s core, that’s EXACTLY what it is. I’m very proud of the fact that I’ve shed 75lbs in the last 18 months. Very proud. But I’m also not happy with it. For me to be where I want to be I foresee myself having to lose another 40+ lbs. I’m okay with that and I WANT to do it. But I need help. I’m putting my ego aside here for a bit and writing this as Josh—the still overweight guy who is still working really hard to better myself. I do a lot as the CrossFit Rookie and now as Coach Rook as I’ve been called a few times and I LOVE that side of me but I need to be honest with myself and acknowledge that I’m not done with my own journey yet, and I may never be.
This 265lb plateau has plagued me in the past too, and I need to get past it. It’s what I weighed prior to my wedding in 2008, but it’s also the lightest I’ve been in over half a decade. I wish I could pinpoint why I do this to myself but I also am trying to remember that I’m not the only person going through this. I also need to remember to believe in myself half as much as people like Ryan, Coach Crip, Regan, Melinda, and my mom believe in me. I’ve had some proud moments, and we’ve all shed a few tears in the last year but it can’t stop now. There’s more to learn and much more room to grow.
Therein lies the beauty of CrossFit.
I could do this for 30 years, and still learn something the next time I go into the box. Less than 8 weeks ago I watched Angie Pye get tips on bar muscle-ups–ANGIE was still learning stuff. That woman is one of the most down to earth superheroes I’ve met and she still has to learn new movements and methods just like the rest of us. We’re all CrossFit rookies whether we want to believe it or not. Own that realization and make that your motivator.
All this can be summed up by a word that should be said more. Virtuosity. “Doing the common, uncommonly well”. Own that word EVERY time you walk through the doors. If that means you have to drop some weight from the bar to do it right or take the weight right off the bar to do it all, you need to do it.
Don’t let me forget that even after a year, a lot of pounds, a lot of progress, and a lot of personal discovery, I’m still the CrossFit Rookie and I’ll never outgrow that.